2010: The year Halloween died.

The post title is P's current refrain. SS has decided that two years after arriving home, two years after becoming well versed in everything Halloween, this year is the perfect year to become hysterical at the mere sight of anything Halloween. SS still claims to love Halloween, that is, unless said items are found in a store. And in true SS style, her hysterics are just that, over the top theatrics that are getting on our last nerve. Forcing her into the situation is counterproductive, and if it was JJ his butt would have been left alone in a shopping cart a few aisles away from the offending items. But this is SS, the child who has some serious abandonment issues and the same child who is still asking if she is coming with us every time we leave the house or the van.

Now add a Halloween freak, obsessed, devoted P, and SS's new found fear is a recipe for disaster. P just does not get why she is acting this way, when she was so much fun with her cute little skulls and bones obsession that filled him with pride. We are not talking fear over really scary things, I had to rip her away from me to place her behind a BL cutout. SS would not even look, let alone allow us to try on the costume she so badly wanted. I do not think that we will bother visiting the pumpkin patch this year. Why spend $30 (that is just admittance, train rides and other goodies are separate) to watch SS scream her head off? We can do that at home for free just by saying no to her. :)

I also need to remind P to tread lightly with this issue, no matter how important this season is to him. Children with SS's early life experiences are sometimes too darn amazing at becoming numb over things that would scare others. For all we know her reactions now are more on the normal side. SS is no longer playing tough, she is no longer on that deer caught between headlights haze, she knows it is no longer up to her to protect herself. SS now knows that Mama, Baba and JJ keep her safe. Maybe it is not such a bad thing that she is showing fear, but I would be lying if I say that I too miss our fearless daughter. SS, whatever you do, do not stop diving into pools, that will certainly kill your father. Then there is the possibility (a safe bet) that I have no idea what I'm talking about. Frustrated does not begin to cover the mood here.

But the fear is not only about Halloween or scary things, it is also about us leaving her, and new this week a total fear of the potty. We thought we had made progress during the visits to MU and SJ, because of SS's excitement for those miniature potties. All we have to do is mention her potty and she becomes agitated and the waterworks begin. And of course this is all happening at a time where she is on the cusp of becoming a big girl, SS is going to school a week from today. She is beyond excited at the prospect, but it still has to be scary. I have no recollection of my first day of school. It could be because it was almost a hundred years ago, but it's most likely a function of knowing that Mami and Papi were home waiting for me, AND would come to pick me up at the end of the day. My parents had almost six years to make me feel that secure, I was with them from the moment I came home from the hospital. I had two devoted caretakers who (very unusual for Hispanic families) did not play pass the baby/kid around with me.*** No matter how much we have tried to do the same for SS she is just not there. So we are taking a lot of deep breaths and hoping we can help her through this phase (please let it be a phase). And because I am a master at beating myself up I do feel awful that I have not made it all better.

On a lighter subject, SS has developed a taste for Gouda cheese. Until two weeks ago she was like her Baba, an aged cheddar girl. Those two can eat cheddar cubes alone, just savoring the taste, no crackers needed. We buy a cheese platter that contains cheddar, Swiss, Havarti and Gouda. One morning SS requested cheese and I went for her favorite. That got a loud "No Mama, WHITE cheese." No problem, three of the cheeses are white. I reached for the Havarti and was quickly told "That's NOT the one!" So in this house white cheese now equals Gouda. She went through those slices in a few days. Oh well, at least she likes milk, cheese and yogurt. And yes, her last meals have contained peas and carrots.



SS can finally shut up about her BL school shirt. We think she liked it. The BL stickers came from the shoe store manager who was stunned when SS turned down the princesses stickers. The lady claimed she had never seen a girl into BL and gave her 10 extra stickers. We are not alone in feeding this tiny beast.

We lost count home many quarters we have fed into these things only to have SS freak out. So what did SS do after freaking out at the Halloween displays at two stores? She had her first ride in one of the same machines that barely a month ago frightened her.

*** I know this because Mami would always tell me that no matter how old she was, she would not allow others to carry or just handle me. I guess this explains my aversion to have people carrying my children.